The Last Song

   
    Did anyone seriously think that I would like this movie? Did anyone think anyone would like this movie? I mean, at the end of the day when the film makers looked at what they created, did they see a quality piece of work or did they see a money maker with a famous name attached? I'm guessing the latter. I'm going to guess that the producers were giddy at the idea of combining the commercial powers of Nicholas Sparks and Miley Cyrus. I have to admit, I don't understand the appeal of either. I've never met a Nicholas Sparks movie that didn't bore me. This isn't because I'm not a fan of romance films. This is because I'm not a fan of uninteresting characters in melodramatic films created by a guy who is misguided enough to put himself in the same sentence as Cormac McCarthy. As for Miley Cyrus, I was hoping The Last Song would help solve that mystery. It didn't.



    The Last Song centers around Ronnie (Miley Cyrus) who with her kid brother, Jonah (Bobby Coleman) are sent to Tybee Island to stay with their father, Steve Miller (Greg Kinnear) for a summer. Ronnie is an angsty seventeen year old who hates her father. At least, that's what we're told. You can tell Ronnie's an angsty rebel because she slouches, crosses her arms, wears dark clothing, and scowls a lot. Jonah is the opposite. He's a bubbly, happy kid who's excited to see his dad. You can tell because he says, "SO cool!!" and "AWEsome!!" in nearly every scene he's in. We learn that Ronnie is a child prodigy on the piano, but since her father left, has stopped playing. This means that she hasn't played in three years. Also, she barely passed high school and got every question wrong on her SATs. Yet, she managed to get accepted into Julliard without applying. Uh huh... Of course, because she's angry, she's not going.
    
     On her first day in the southern beach town, her milkshake gets spilled on her by Will (Liam Hemsworth) and hence, we have the meet cute. Because her milkshake brings all the...you know, I can't even finish it. Anyway, while Ronnie may be an angsty teen, she is also an animal's rights activist because when she sees a raccoon try to eat some sea turtle eggs, she makes it her mission to protect them. After setting up a shopping cart as a sort of barrier around the nest, she sleeps outside with a bat in hand ready to take up battle with the evil raccoon. Since this isn't a practical permanent solution, she calls the Georgia Aquarium to send someone out to help out this nest. Who is sent? Why, Will of course! So, Will and Ronnie fall in love whilst heroically protecting the sea turtle eggs. So, over the magical summer, Ronnie manages to open her heart to a boy and hopefully her father. Awww...

    I must have constantly had a perplexed look on my face while watching this movie. Nothing made sense. The lines the characters spoke, the things they did, the ways they reacted to their situations. None of it. I can't emphasize that enough. For instance, after one character tells another about the death of his brother, the response is not, "oh I'm so sorry for your loss," it's "How?" No one responds like that!  I didn't believe anything from any of these characters. I love Greg Kinnear, but it was a shame to say he was the only actor in the film that actually acted. I couldn't believe Ronnie was mad for any other reason than because the director told her to be. In fact, I couldn't believe Ronnie was anyone other than Miley Cyrus making appropriate faces for the moment. When she was mad, she made a mad face. When she was sad, she made a sad face. It wasn't acting so much as pretending. I know it doesn't seem like there should be much of a difference between the two, but I think there is. Watching Miley Cyrus pretend to be an angry teenager during the exposition was embarrassing to watch.I even watched some Hannah Montana clips to see if she's always such a bad actor. To her credit, she has charisma in that show. She's cute and funny in the way one expects from a Disney kid show. Throwing her into a dramatic role next to Greg Kinnear was just a bad idea. This was way out of her range.

     The Last Song is everything I have come to expect from a Nicholas Sparks adaptation: A melodramatic love story, that tries to manipulate tears from its audience. Of course, some people don't mind being tricked into feeling sad. Yes, there is a difference between a story that is genuinely sad and a story that while sad, is mostly about manipulating its audience into feeling sad. Sparks specializes in the latter. At the same time, I can't even recommend this one to Sparks fans. At least in previous adaptations, the leads were actors that could make us believe the character's actions. This one...not so much.  Not only will you not be tricked into feeling sad, you won't be tricked into caring about anything in this story at all.